Never Thought I’d See You Again!

Why does this stuff always happen to me? I have terrible allergies, and for years I have been switching between different allergy medications to find some relief. The same thing always happens though. For the first few weeks on a new medication, I feel great: I can breathe, my eyes don’t itch, and my throat isn’t scratchy. But then, without fail, all the usual symptoms return full force. Daily I pray for a new medication in hopes that it will consistently work. I have used Claritin, Claritin D, Zyrtec, Tavist D… the list goes on. The apparent light at the end of the tunnel was revealed to me in a conversation with my girlfriend. We were talking about my tolerance to most medications, and she told me about a new drug on the market called Allegra. I, having never heard of it, was instantly intrigued. She said that she had similar problems with allergy drugs, but this seemed to work better than the rest. I called my mom, and asked her if she had heard of Allegra, and she told me that she, my father, and my brother were all taking it, and loved it as well. What a testimony!

My girlfriend had just gotten a new sample pack of Allegra from her doctor, and she asked if I wanted to try one. (Quick aside: I usually never take other people’s prescription drugs without the recommendation of a doctor, but since everyone I knew was taking this, I made this one exception. I know, if they all jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, would I? Bite me.) So I eagerly swallowed the inch long, dual-colored pill. We had a full day of outdoor activities planned in the heart of tree pollen season, and I made it through with minimal discomfort. It was quite possible that the pill was working, but to tell you the truth, I forgot that I had taken it, and I didn’t give it a second thought.

Now, you are probably asking yourself, when is this story going to turn sour, which is the tendency of my ramblings. Here it comes, and if you are not interested in scatological discussions, even in good taste, then please, for both our sakes, stop reading now. Also, in this paragraph disclaimer, this is one hundred per cent true. I wish it weren’t but it is.

So, the pill taking occurred on Sunday. On Monday, at around noon, my colon began to quiver. Time to drop the kids off at the pool. I really hate dropping a deuce at work, but when nature calls, I certainly answer! Using proper public toilet etiquette (which may be posted on here by me at a later date, depending on whether or not I want to keep any readers I may have) I proceeded to move my bowels. It was a surprisingly quick and clean one, and I was about ready to clean the area and get back to work when I had a problem closing my cheeks. It felt like there was still something in there jamming up my sphincter. So, very carefully, using adequate toilet paper, I reached down to dislodge the obstruction. My fingers fell upon something very strange. Grasping the mysterious fragment, I slowly pulled it out. It felt very hard, and had a distinct shape. Of course I had to look at it, and bringing it around to my face, in the dim fluorescent lighting of the stall, I realized that it was half of an Allegra tablet! The tablets are made by sandwiching together two halves, one white in color, the other beige in color. I was holding a perfectly undigested half between my forefinger and thumb! How gross! So, feeling my allergies begin to act up, I popped the partial pill down my throat. Only kidding! What do you think I am? A lunatic?So, that was my story of Allegra. I do not have much faith in a medication that is not easily digested. Needless to say, my search continues for an allergy medicine that works and that dissolves in stomach acid!

One thought on “Never Thought I’d See You Again!”

  1. I apologize again for yet another post. please do not read if you are anyone i work with, have a relationship with, or have ever met before, even in passing. i don’t know what was wrong with me in my younger years when i would write for epinions.com. i am still trying to consoldate everything here so that i can start writing again (boy its been a long time!) anyway, this was originally written on 1/08/03 while i was bored at work. i don’t know why everything i wrote back then had scatalogical content. in re-reading this, i am amazed that a few people included in the story are no longer with us (whether it be in relationship or in life (as i point up to heaven, pound my chest and pour a little beer on the floor.)) ok, more to follow. and sorry again!

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