The Shot Heard Round The World

Picture it… Mad River… three St. Patty’s Days ago… 

I was bombed out of my mind and my equally inebriated friends wanted to hang out in Mad River, a bar that puts the Jersey Shore into Baltimore. I was on the brink of sloppy, so I didn’t mind. We went to the upper level and were looking down at all the meat heads and taco shells and this one fugly girl kept looking up at me, so I yelled at her to stop looking at me, and she told some dude who was standing next to her that I was yelling at her, and he acted all tough and said something like “I am going to come up there and kick your expletive,” and I turned around, grabbed a shot glass off of the nearby table, went back to the railing, leaned over and whaled him in the head with it. Luckily it was only a plastic shot glass, but it was a million dollar shot. Tough guy stopped being so tough and grabbed a bouncer. I melted back into my friends and pretended like nothing ever happened. A minute later a gorilla of a man came hulking down the balcony. Think of a bouncer who ate another bouncer while the edible bouncer was shooting some steroids. The floorboards trembled under this weight, and I trembled in my pants. I walked up to him knowing that I was about to be, in the least, escorted from the bar, at the most, beat into a bloody pulp and thrown over the side. He stopped an inch from my face, and grunted, “Did you throw something over the edge at a guy?” and very matter-of-factly, I said, “I sure did. I am really sorry. I’ve had a few drinks, and that guy was asking for it. It won’t happen again.” I think I punctuated my statement with a puppy-dog look and batted eye lashes. He paused for a second, and then said, “Ok, don’t let it happen again.” He then turned around and walked away. My friends and I could not believe what just happened. I think we did a round of shots to it.

We left soon after, amazed, confused, and elated. Soon after I threw up on the walk home and went to bed at like 6:00. What a day!

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