“Hello? Down here! I need to talk to you!”

***Ok, disclaimer right from the start… i wrote this on Sept. 28, 2000 on my favorite product review site where i would massacre the topics with my ramblings that had nothing to do with the category, except maybe a similar word or theme that i derived from it. the topic here was a book called “Letters From A Nut.” well, i took it in a whole other direction. if you get offended easily, please please please do not read… especially since this one starts out right from the beginning with questionable material. it was written with good intentions, but, as with most of my writing, takes a horrible road to get to the message. again, i am sorry.

Without further ado…

 A guys nuts: Dangly little fellows hanging out in their fleshy home. Most of the time, you don’t even know they’re there. When they do make their presence known however, you know you have a problem. This is exactly what happened to me about a month ago.

Men are advised by their doctors to check their nuts about once a month for lumps or any other oddities, just like women are advised to check their boobs. Well, righty felt weird, kind of like he got kicked. I probably don’t need to explain to any of my readers what it feels like to get hit in the nuts, but it is one of the most excruciating pains in the universe. My stomach was always hurting, and my nut felt like he was trying to escape his scrotal prison. Taking this pretty seriously, I gave myself a nut inspection, and felt a tiny bump on the top back portion of my ball. “This can’t be good,” I said to myself.

After watching Tom Greene go through having testicular cancer on MTV, and seeing it widely advertised as a leading killer of men ages 16 through 30, I was plenty nervous. I was also a bit embarrassed. What was I to do now? Call my doctor? I would have to say the word “testicle” to his nurse. Ugh.

Well, I waited a week, being the silly little monkey that I am, but the pain just got worse. I was moving at the time, and lifting heavy furniture wasn’t helping the problem.

One night, I told my friend that my stomach was hurting me, and he said, “Maybe you have a hernia.”

A hernia!!! This could be my excuse! I could get around saying the T-word to the nurse, while explaining basically the same symptoms that I had!

I called the office the next day, and told the nurse that my lower abdomen was hurting, like I got kicked. She made an appointment for me. I was over the first hurdle! Now, I had to get up the balls (pardon the pun) to go in and tell my doctor what was really going on.

Well, to make a long and scary story shorter, I went in to my doctor and told him that it felt like I got kicked down there, and that I felt a bump. He checked me for a hernia, just in case, and finding nothing, investigated my nuts. I was really nervous at this point. After all, I’ve made it twenty-five years (there, for all of you wondering my age!) bi-balled, and I wanted to keep it that way!

He found the lump, and told me that it didn’t feel suspicious. He then told me that my epididymus was swollen. He said that I had epididymitis, or an infection of the tubes that are on top of the testicle, which hold and transport sperm.

He told me I probably strained my nut lifting heavy furniture, or squashed it on my train commute, causing it to be susceptible to infection. He then prescribed medication to battle the infection and bring down the swelling.

After a week on the medicine, my nut feels better than ever! The lump is gone, and I am breathing a sigh of relief. Your nuts are a very delicate area, and a problem with them can be a life threatening event. I am so happy that my problem was not serious.

There is a moral to this story: Guys, check your nuts, and don’t be afraid or ashamed to talk about these things. You could die from things that don’t seem very serious, so always go to a doctor immediately, that’s what they’re there for!


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