(…)

“Ugh, where am I?” I managed to mumble out of cracked, bloody lips. I looked around through half open eyes, stinging with the rising morning sun.
I now realized that I was being lifted by someone other than my legs. “Who are you, you big, strong man?” I slurred.
“Son, you have two choices,” a man in [...]

Originally written by me for Epinions on Nov 17, 2000. Pretty dumb if you ask me, but it was during my days of looking for interesting things to review, in my skewed way. This was supposed to be a travel review of a place called Mysore, India. This story did not have any basis in truth, unlike most of my other writings. or did it?

the automatic flusher does its thing five times before you are done peeing

i don’t think i have what it takes to pull off the “no t-shirt under the dress-shirt” look. first, there is the hair issue. shaving the nape of the neck where it meets the chest so that i don’t look like a 70’s swinger just isn’t natural. second, one word… chafing. didn’t realize it was possible, [...]

I had decided to pop up to the Shore for an impromptu visit on Saturday, and I made a surprise stop off at the Celtic Cottage. In attendance were Casey Waterman, Joe Degnan, and numerous other Strong Branch All-Stars. Casey had been there since 4:30 along with his soon to be brother-in-law Ronnie. Ronnie’s incoherence [...]

i feel as if i have stockholm syndrome, and the comfort of my career is my captor.

on a plane sitting next to a tan girl. she touched her shoe pre-flight and looked like she was crying. am i a racist for thinking she may be a terrorist? oh wait. she just got peanuts from the stewardess and ate them hungrily. who the hell would have that as their last meal?
we landed [...]

So I was a smoker for 7 years, at times (usually the stressful ones) 2 packs a day (not to be confused with the dead rapper Tupac, who did not die form smoking but from a smoking gun.) I quit cold turkey and have been off the tar sticks for 3 years now, an accomplishment [...]

Why does this stuff always happen to me? I have terrible allergies, and for years I have been switching between different allergy medications to find some relief. The same thing always happens though. For the first few weeks on a new medication, I feel great: I can breathe, my eyes don’t itch, and my throat [...]

With the Easter season fast approaching, candy has been sprouting up and blooming on myriad desks around my office like so many spring flowers. This morning I was offered a pink Peep marshmallow chick, from an equally pink clad employee. I asked her if the Peeps had been left out for a while, because I [...]

i don’t know if i ever really got into clam chowder. i’ve eaten it, and i think i may have enjoyed it, but i don’t think it is something i would go out of my way to have. like i don’t think i would ever find myself saying… you know what? I would really enjoy [...]

When I was a little boy, before the mutation, my parents pulled me and my brother aside, and told us that they had a present for us. My brother and I looked at each other in blissful expectation, mouths agape, eyes wide. What could it be? My parents paused melodramatically.
“You are going to have [...]

the problem with this country is that everyone is under the impression that whatever they dream can come true. this is wholly untrue. it’s when we realize this, that anything we dream can be achieved.

Note: this was originally written on february 9, 2004 by me for my friend lance’s website: theregalbeagle.com. i am trying to consolidate my greatest hits on this site. without further ado, another true story by me…
It’s funny how memories come back to you. Sometimes they come from so far away that you don’t know if [...]

so i was thinking whilst opening the car door for my girlfriend… who the heck invented this move, and why is it considered chivalrous? i then thought that it probably wasn’t thought up with classy intentions after all. the first guy to do it probably just had dinner, and didn’t want to expel post-meal flatulent [...]

we cause problems just so that we can fix them.

DISCLAIMER: This is a true story. If you are an animal rights activist, please note that I did not do this on purpose, and I almost cried after the incident occurred, although a family of Mexican ground keepers were very happy, so someone’s loss is someone’s gain.
So I went out with my good old dad [...]

Disclaimer: I am not blaming this incident on Disney World, it just happened to happen there.
When I was fourteen years old, my family and I decided to go to Walt Disney World for a week vacation. We were staying at the lovely Polynesian hotel, which is my favorite hotel in the park. The Polynesian offers [...]